Okay, so I watched "A Single Man" the other night. It was a very good movie about trying to move on after you've lost someone you love. Throughout the movie the main character meets people that could create positive changes in his life, but he is rather resolute in his depression and he keeps company with a woman that is equally resolute in hers.Towards the end of the movie he finds that equilibrium, that moment of clarity that allows him to embrace life again.
I would like that moment of clarity.
And I'm fully cognisant of my behavioral patterns and my destructive lifestyle choices and that it's a daily struggle, for a lot of people, to just put one foot in front of the other.
My point, my point...
My point is that I'm depressed and that I'm not adhering to Tolle's "three modalities of awakened doing": "acceptance, enjoyment and enthusiasm". Yeah no: I'm currently alternating between resistance, anger and sadness.
I've never been good about making peace with situations that I'm not happy with but I'm guessing that's the status quo for most of the populace.
You know, I'm glad we have these little chats.
I need to figure some shit out, and I'm not going back to a therapist because no matter how much you talk about something I find you're never able to describe it adequately enough. And I'm tired of being questioned about what my perception of "normal" is.
Here is a bit of the dialogue that absolutely resonated with me from "A Single Man". It's a thought that I've had often and it's a good one to ponder.
Kenny: Actually I feel really alone most of the time.
George: You do?
Kenny: Yeah. I’ve always felt this way. I mean we’re born alone, we die alone. And while we’re here we are absolutely, completely sealed in our own bodies. Really weird. Kinda freaks me out to think about it.
We can only experience the outside world through our own slanted perception of it. Who knows what you’re really like. I just see what I think you’re like.
George: I’m exactly what I seem to be, if you look closely. You know the only thing that has made the whole thing worthwhile has been those few times that I was able to truly connect with another person.
2 comments:
"I just see what I think you’re like." That's so true. I can't form my perception if I don't take the time to try.
That makes me think of a former neighbor of ours. Everyone thought he was a pervert (maybe he was) because we see him standing in his yard, stock still almost in a trance, watching the kids play, or the teens wrestling, or the ladies working in their yards... but maybe he just didn't know how to connect with people. Maybe he was dying to come over and chat with us in our yard but because he didn't have a significant other he didn't want to feel like an oddball because he was a single and not part of a couple. So one hot summer morning he blew his head off with a shotgun in his back yard, and we had to face the fact that we had lived across the street from him for 12 years and never really talked to him.
That's an unnerving story. Very sad.
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