It's been five days of panic attacks, anxiety, crying, emotional emails, lack of sleep, loss of appetite, regret, remorse, sadness and hurt.
Up until Sunday night I never knew I had the capacity to wound so deeply. So deeply that when Michael said "You broke my heart" mine started to break as well.
What happens when you so badly hurt the person that has become, over the past 11 years, as integral and essential as a family member? The person that you talk to every day, travel with, spend all your free time with and who is your partner in life and your lover and also your best friend?
Well, you rely really heavily on your friends. And you take a lot of melatonin to get to sleep. You go stay with your mom because you contemplate if a fall from a 10 story balcony would kill you, or if it would just severely injure you. You question what you're capable of and you wonder how well you actually know yourself.
The ironic thing is that the one person that I wanted to talk to, to be with during this, was Michael. And the doors of communication did open on Tuesday with emails full of anger and vitriol that were hard to take because they were justified. They came at odd hours and so I knew he wasn't sleeping. He was sad and angry and hurting and he wanted to lash out at me and he wanted me to know how badly my actions had impacted his life.
They were hard to read, the emails, but I was happy that he was at least communicating with me.
Tuesday I felt like all we did was email each other all day long. And the tone seemed to soften. I was staying at my mom's at the time and I texted to ask if I could come and see him and he said "sure". I left feeling quite confident I was marching to my death but instead we talked.
And we've talked - face to face - for three days now. Things were confessed and admitted. Feelings were expressed. Everything was laid out on the table and it wasn't always pretty and sometimes it was sad or surprising, but it was all honest. And we both learned a lot.
We both gave each other too much space because we thought that was what the other wanted. We both had unmet needs but we didn't communicate them because we didn't want to pressure the other person. And so we ended up in a stagnant, four year spiral that did have its bright points: social outings; travel; running; the weekends, but the day to day intimacy wasn't there. And we weren't progressing.
At this point surely I am rambling due to sheer stress and upset and exhaustion, and maybe all I really wanted was to remember this night and to doff my cap to the most frank and honest conversation that Michael and I have had, possibly, in the entire duration of our relationship.
No matter the outcome, I am infinitely grateful for the incredibly intelligent, considerate, insightful, respectful conversation that we had tonight. And for the fact that we have seen each other - one on one - more during this week than we have in years, and that's a testament to something.
Of course to really put it succintly, we need no one other than Dan the Man.
9 comments:
You're very brave living your life as publicly as this.
I wish you both the best, it must be a difficult time.
Thanks, Pseudonym. It is most definitely a difficult time and I anticipate it will be for some time.
As for being brave: that's the funny thing about blogs. You can choose to only put up the good things, but it's good to also admit to the bad things.
Kind of like Facebook: no one ever updates their status when they miss a mortgage payment or throw up profile pics of themselves looking fat in a bathing suit...
I'm just so relieved the blog is back. xoxox
Yes. The world can certainly rest easier tonight knowing that I am back.
That was a close on, eh? ;)
>You can choose to only put up the good things(...)
Yes, kind of, I still think you're more open than most. Certainly more open than I could ever be... My god! If you knew the truth, you would be blinded by it! ;)
I did see his post. He seemed upset.
Upset is an understatement. That we are even on speaking terms is blowing my mind.
I actually asked him if he wanted me to leave his comment up, but he said no.
I have kept it for myself, however, to remember.
I wish I had a super power. And if I did it would be to say the right thing when my friend needed it most.
Is "cheesepuffs" one word or two, Carolynne? ;)
Thanks for checking in. We should get together soon.
I'm sure you know you are not the only one who has ever hurt the one you love or been hurt by a loved one. It happens to us all. You are brave to publicly admit to this, most of us just shut down and never post a word of it. I hope everything works out the way the two of you want it to.
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