I realize that this is nine days after one is supposed to make all kinds of New Years resolutions (which I was never too keen on to begin with), but I'm done.I've had a few good conversations with people over the last few weeks, culminating with one with the Newf today. Hadn't seen her in months, so needless to say it was a three hour lunch.
I've made some pretty bad mistakes, but I'm not a bad person.
I'm done struggling and fighting.
I just want to be happy.
Yeah. So, that's about it. I'm done staying up until 3:30am "pondering". I don't want to have fitful sleeps like what I had last night while I rehashed how I've fucked up my life and how I don't have very much going for me at this particular time. I'm tired of not having something to look forward to or that makes me happy. I simply exist through my days and what is the goddamn point of living if that's how you live your life? It's pathetic and tiring and overwhelming and I just no longer want to do it.
I remember when I created this blog. I wanted a new life. I wanted to try and get happy. Unfortunately 2008 was a bad year to try and get happy. When you lose your dad and your job within four months of each other it can be somewhat trying. I have gone backwards since I started this blog. I haven't learned much except how lonely and bad I am able to feel.
And hey. Wallowing in self-pity is acceptable. For a while. But ultimately? A lot of people have gone through what I've gone through and the very reason that I've arrived at this particular junction in my life is because I am surrounded by wonderful, caring people and because I have options and opportunities and I just need to get some self confidence back and get out there and create and live the life that will make me the most happy.
So, yep. That's pretty much about it.
Not happy with my life and would like to change it.
And yes, Po: I got "A New Earth". Ten pages in I was already sold.
Right. Watch me go.
INTERESTING NOTE: an ex-employer called as I was writing this an offered me a contract job. See? The horseshoe is obviously still firmly entrenched.
5 comments:
You just described every fucking day of my life. I am down 85% of the time. I'm good at masking and putting one foot in front of the other but life can surely suck. I hope you're not done.
God
Where can I get me one of your horseshoes and do they come with instructions? ;-)
You will LOVE the book... it's a life changer. I read it last spring and I'll probably read it again this spring (when the deck reopens..)and now he has another one... Another good one is The Secret, but the whole point to it is: if you want something to happen, speak it, talk about it and it will happen. You have to put the things you want to happen to you out into the Universe to make them actually happen. You have to tell someone. See... all it took was you telling your friend and us that you wanted change and you got it! Bad thing is, if you keep talking about all the negative shit that will happen too!!! Godinla.... So when someone asks you how the job hunt is going, you say "Great!!! Right on track! I'm getting calls!" Remember that line in Field of Dreams... "build it and they will come." In both of these books you will read that YOU are the one in control of you. YOU make it all happen. And you attract those like us who help you make it happen. We're here for ya.
Ahem.
We are all here for you even though I am occupied shagging right now.
Chin up, girl. You are my fave blogger ever and losing a job is not the end of the world; just the start of new things.
You must be missing your dad, that's for sure, but your stories about him are wonderful and show that you had a great relationship with him and if you just keep remembering the good times and that life goes on always, always and that your lucky horseshoe will never stop working for you and that I'll come and terrorise you sometime this year and and and, come back girl!!!!!
Thanks for all the well wishes!
It really means a lot.
I will keep my chin up.
I will also keep my pecker up.
Also, horseshoes are hereditary (on the paternal side).
I am looking forward to reading the book and to being happy.
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