Man. Dinner was great. I freaking love Hachi Hana. I ate too much and I think I might be sick.Then I watched "Veronica Guerin" with Michael cause I got freaked out halfway through. Good movie. I remember hearing on the news when she had been shot to death. I won't wax poetic about it, and surely the movie was over sentimental, but the point is that we should always seek out the truth and stand up to bullies.
So. Turning 32. What to say, what to say. It's been a helluva year. Quite possibly I was in a holding pattern until August 6th - albeit a happy and comfortable one - and then things changed quite fundamentally.
Went off the deep end pretty much. And I'm not saying that I'm still not there, splashing around, making for the shore.
I will say that I did let a lot fall away from me. What's important? What are you going to beat yourself up about? Are you having fun and are people getting hurt along the way?
I'm less into obligations. I will do something because I want to do it, not because I'm obligated. I care less about things that I should have cared less about to begin with. I'm having fun. I'm enjoying myself. The things 
and people that I treasured before are that much more dear to me now.
and people that I treasured before are that much more dear to me now.In 31 years I never really wanted to be alone with myself. I'm okay to be alone now. I never was good at sitting still, and now I look forward to those moments that are mine, that are for me and about me.
Those are good moments.
And you may be thinking "wow, what an absolute narcissist", but you would be utterly correct.
5 comments:
You're very wise for your age, you know.
You seem to have realised sooner rather than later what is important.
Good on ya.
Just today I was cycling around this concrete jungle whilst listening to Concrete Blonde, and other stuff, and I remembered how important my grandfather had been to me in life, how very, very loved he had been by me, and how his spot on the planet now seems like it never happened; he came here, he hung around a bit, he left.
I'm hoping he had fun whilst he was here but know that he had to struggle as a kid and then put way too much effort into others during the peak years of his life, ended up slightly regretting some stuff; things like how he'd wished he'd thought more about himself and done more, and well, I am waffling.
What I want to say is that this is a one time offer and you've got to live it, do it, feel it, fun it.
I think you've sussed that by 32. It takes some people a lifetime to realise what's important and what isn't and then well, it's too late.
I just want to add that this past week I have undergone a huge shift in myself. Up till my lover said he'd visit, I felt like total shit about so many areas in my life.
I felt ashamed of myself for focusing so fully on the man I love; putting everything else on the backburner and yet realising that I would lose my spirit if I became a love stalker.
Anyway, whilst I am overjoyed to be seeing a person who I believe will be the last man I ever love, I have also experienced a huge shift in how I am approaching my life again.
I feel whole and independent. I feel that I have shaken off the neediness. I feel powerful again. I feel that my plans for the future are fucking amazing and I shouldn't let anything stop me going for them. Love will follow, or love will work with love and compromise but when it comes down to it, I want adventure, and I'm going to go and get it.
I look back at this year and cannot believe how weak I became. That wasn't me.
Ewwwwww. Who was it?
Your part about: "I'm okay to be alone now. I never was good at sitting still, and now I look forward to those moments that are mine, that are for me and about me."
You may not be ready to grow up but I think you are there. I think when we realize we have to take time for ourselves and also that we can stand alone and it's not a scary place, we've sort of grown up. It's a very weird feeling when this happens... it's like burdens have lifted... it's a feeling of freedom. I actually started looking at the world around me differently and then people noticed a change in me.
I'm glad you have experienced this at your young age and it didn't take another 20 years. It will make you a much better person in the long run. I can blame my 'delay' on child rearing... it kind of numbs your senses.
Wow, thanks for the deep sentiments.
Overboard: I'm so happy you feel whole and indpendent again. Your life is incredible and you are going to have the most exciting adventures.
Jomamma: you're right. It feels like a burden has been lifted and it feels like freedom. It's the weirdest and most enjoyable sensation.
Hope you wonderful ladies are having a great weekend.
I am off to see various family members. Will try to photograph something better than bulk candy.
Happy Birthday Week!
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