Guilty pleasures and magic elevators

I have several guilty pleasures. A few of them include: wine; creamed horseradish; drunk texting; flexing my pipe-cleaner arms in the mirror and pretending that I have muscles; and threatening to punch various people in the face. I was called on this this morning when, while watching the Discovery Channel or something, I came across this woman who had bought the wings off a defunct airplane and was going to incorporate them into the roof of her architecturally designed house. She was apoplectic. She was screaming and shrieking and might have been from Texas. Dunno. Anyways, I said to Michael, "Oh my god. I would totally punch her in the face", which is a common statement for me to make. Michael put down his Earl Grey tea and said, "No you wouldn't. You're so full of shit. Have you ever punched anyone in the face?" and I admitted that I had not. But that's only because I haven't met Bill O'Reilly yet.
Anyways, another guilty pleasure is the Missed Connections section on Craigslist. Most of the time it's boring, but every so often you get a post like this that just gets my addled synapses firing away. Okay, so here is the first post on CL:

"Chambar Friday night - The three of you came in as the three of us were leaving (too bad). I recommended a specific dessert. Did you try it? "

Totally innocent, right. Totally non-sexy. Makes me a bit hungry and kind of pissed that Michael's never taken me to Chambar, but is otherwise unremarkable. So, here is a response to this post. It's just amazing. Totally stellar:

"It's already been done, in another jurisdiction, under religious regime and everything else is simply a saga to reaffirm the tiny humans location. The only unknown and uninformed are me, brothers, sisters and aunts. I hate you all. Now your attempt is to get gold digging....why fool the world? huh? I CAN NOT AND WILL NOT EVER BE AMONG YOU ALL! YOU ARE A CANCER TO THE HUMANS! "

Right? Right? Like, WTF! I'm laughing, even though I'm kind of scared and totally perplexed. Fuck. I hope no one ever calls me a CANCER TO THE HUMANS on Craigslist, because... um, I would have to punch them in the face. What does "tiny humans location" mean? Should we be concerned? And what happened to the uncles? I mean, the brothers, sisters and aunts are brought into the fray but the uncles emerge unscathed? What's "already been done"? Did someone try the recommended desert in another jurisdiction? Oh my god, I'm so confused.
Okay. To round out the night, here is a picture of my magic elevator. Often it opens when I walk into the lobby. Seriously. I unlock the front door, walk in and the elevator door opens as if to say, "Hey Duder! Welcome back, you tiny human! Come on in and I'll take you up to the 10th floor". Anyways. When Big D and I came down to the lobby and exited the elevator, the elevator next to it opened and there was no one in it and he said, "What's with you and elevators?". And then when I came back after we fed the wildlife the elevator opened up for me like magic.
Magic, I tell you!