Though I'm a loquacious son of a bitch even I - apparently - have my limits. I'm tired. This has been a tiring week of what I would deign is a meld between confession and contractual negotiations. I've never been good at either because... why confess or negotiate? Apparently blundering through life does have its downside. I am the case in point. I kind of knew I was pushing the proverbial envelope in this regard, but it wasn't enough to stop. And then bam! Life as I knew it was over.
And then we realized that we loved each other. Like, a lot. And that we hadn't been the best to one another. And that resentments had piled up silently over the years and that they were about to topple and smother us. And that we never really did effectively communicate. When your partner of 11 years confesses that they weren't sure that you were the one? Kinda hard to take. But understandable? Yes.
Maybe it's worse that I always knew that he was the one but that not only did I not work to facilitate that but instead I worked actively against it.
Anyways. Day seven of negotiations saw Michael say "you need to write some of this down so we don't forget it".
So here are the things that I don't want to forget:
- Michael coming to collect his keys and me having nothing defensible to say, and not being able to stand because my legs had gone out from underneath me
- Michael crying and telling me that I had broke his heart
- Discovering that, after 11 years, we have some resilient connection that has taken one hell of a beating, but still draws us together
- Our history
- That we have spoken more honestly and effectively and fluently in the past week than we have in the past 11 years
- Po and C coming to take care of me on Monday, and then going to my mom's because I couldn't stand to be alone for even one night
- That we never fell so far in our relationship, nor gained so much insight and understanding and appreciation of one another
It's funny, too, because tonight we discussed what an influence Michael has been on my life. I was with him from roughly 24 years old onwards. About a third of my life. And he has definitely shaped some of my views and thoughts (though I'm no slouch, myself). And so it's kind of funny that we have dealt with this so well, in that most men would have washed their hands of me but he didn't. And when he asked what I would do if I were in his position I admitted that I wouldn't wash my hands of him either.
Love? Idiocy? Horseshoe? Kindred spirits? Over exhaustion?
Time will tell.
7 comments:
I'm smiling for you guys. (As you know we've had a tough couple of years too.) Communication is so very important.
Thanks, Jomamma. :)
It's amazing how things can spiral out of control simply by not being honest or by assuming you know what your partner wants instead of asking them.
I hope you and Jody are doing well.
We have our moments, but I've found that when we have problems it involves, dishonesty or just assuming that the other won't care, or that telling them doesn't matter, and taking advantage of each other and not thinking about their wants and or needs. Being in a relationship is just like that old story "The Gift of the Magi."
I am embarassed to admit I had to look up "The Gift of the Magi". That's a sad story!
I think my own experience was a little less romantic and more based on neglect and not trying hard enough.
At least I didn't cut my hair off, though. He does like my hair. ;)
Sounds like true love to me. When you care enough to try this hard. Yup. My diagnosis is true love.
Wow. That's a sign that you love each other, taking it the edge, and it's just like my relationship, it got taken right to edge of the abyss, it has been so painful, but, we love each other, even though I tried to hate him, tried, tried, tried, so that I could move on, and forget all the hurt, but maybe going through some hurt, like what you and M have, like what J and J did, winds up bringing you closer, and is the catalyst for a stronger relationship for life, than most others will ever have. I am so happy for you.
Thanks M and Coco.
Yes. It's very painful and we have to try hard every day but in a way it's like starting over again with all the cards on the table.
We both know how we ended up in such a bad situation and neither of us ever want to end up there again.
Day by day...
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