So I feel a bit like I'm emerging from a fugue state.It's been 548 days and I guess, for me, that was how long I needed to distend reality and to delve into anything that would take me away from my life.
I'm nowhere near where I need to be or to where I once was and I can't really say that I'll ever get back there.
For almost a year and a half I let a different part of myself take control of my life. I barely made it through Christmas in 2008. I somehow managed to pull it together for interviews that winter and I landed a dream job.
Someone is looking out for me.
Someone always has.
In the last week I have started to feel exuberant about life again. I've been looking forward to things. I've found myself taking a step back from all my neuroses and appreciating how beautiful life is.
I've found myself making some rather deliberate decisions in the last few days. Decisions that I would have made in a heartbeat a year in a half ago.
I've always instinctively covered the bottom two levels of my hierarchy of needs, but something has kicked in recently to remind me that my social and esteem needs need to be met and the way I have been trying to meet them has been abysmal at best.
There was something amazingly cathartic about last weekend's run in the demonstration forest. Maybe it triggered a joie de vivre that has been lacking since my father died. And maybe it jiggered the concept that I'm 33 and I do or don't have a long time left on this earth and I don't want to spend it as I have been heretofore: doing whatever it takes to eradicate my existence.
I've come back to my amazing life to find it is still waiting for me.
And it's one step, one small step, but I am just so infinitely grateful that I've finally taken it.
2 comments:
I'm glad for you. It takes time. More time for some people than others. My sister is still an emotional mess (dad passed 18+ yrs ago and Mom 8 yrs) she can loose it at the mere mention of either of them. I think my brother and I have thankfully had diversions, kids and families and very busy jobs. We just give her all the time she needs. Take your time, you have plenty of it.
Ah,there it is. The face of peace. You are what he made you. Now it is time to know what he would want for you. He loved you. He wanted you to shine. So, there you go.
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