So, I can be a rational person. I have rational thoughts. I think logically. I think scientifically. I am aware when I am expending an inordinate amount of energy on something that, quite frankly, isn't worth it. I am aware when I am in the throes of self-pity. I realize when I am stroking my ego. I recognize bad behaviour when I'm engaged in it, and I understand the reasoning behind it.I know that when you give certain people what they want they will think it is indicative of who you are, they will start to expect it and they will think less of you for pandering to their needs, though they will never ask you to stop.
For some reason, however (ahem: not for 'some reason', but rather due to my continual need to have my ego stroked), I continue to entertain people that do not have my best interests at heart. I am continually disappointed and rejected and sometimes adored and often forgotten. And I accept responsibility for this fully, given that I endlessly let this happen, and don't have enough self respect to do anything about it.
I know, in my heart of hearts (the dry, withered thing that it is), that I am a good person. I do good things. I am kind to people. Sometimes I fuck up (like when I bailed on Po's birthday last year), but predominately I will come through for you.
I have always maintained that a friend is someone that you can call at 3am to bail you out of jail. A friend will give you $500 no questions asked. A friend can ring your doorbell, look a mess, and you just let them in and talk about things in the morning, or not ever. A friend is concerned for your well-being, loves you and wants you to be happy.
I spend too much time worrying about how I am perceived by people that don't meet the above criteria. It's like I am a drug addict, chasing the dragon downwards into the always present pit of self-loathing and need for attention.
It's gotta stop. I am too aware of this to allow it to continue.
I know who would bail me out of jail (and trust me: I am my father's daughter and that day is looming).
I need to cut everyone else loose.
Confidence comes from within.
4 comments:
haunting post
Nicely put, and I'd probably bail you out before I'd bail one of the kids out...
I'd bail you out, even from this distance. I'd let you in, if you looked like hell and never talk about things if you didn't want to. I don't have $500, but if I did, you'd have it in hand and I'd never bring it up. I have $20, if you're ever that hard up. If you're ever out on the ledge, call me and I will drive the distance and either sit out there with you or beg you to come in from the cold.
I would however require one thing in return. I would want to put an arm around you like your dad would. I think of you as a daughter that I haven't met yet. I may not be old enough to be your dad but, if you're ever in a "need a dad" situation, you can count on me.
Now, get some sleep and take a fresh look at the world tomorrow, Blossom.
God
Your description of a true friend is spot on. It makes me laugh when some people talk about having hundreds of friends, when clearly most of them are mere acquaintances.
I think worrying about how other people perceive you hints at insecurity, and maybe some kind of imbalance in the relationship. If you have people around you who in your eyes do not matter, then don't waste any more time on them. Set yourself free - it's self-empowering and inspires self-belief and confidence.
Wow - all a bit heavy for daylight hours (here) on a Saturday!
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