I'm down today. I dunno. Am I supposed to be up every day? Am I supposed to pretend to be up when I'm feeling down so people don't have to deal with me? Am I not worth talking to when I'm down? Hey. Who wants to talk to a downer?Sometimes (and this is the dark side) I think things I shouldn't and in doing so early this morning it probably set the tone for the day.
For example: I don't like working and I really prefer not to do it. But I have to do it. I have to do it for at least a few more years and I worry that I might get hit by a bus before I retire and then what was the point of it all? I understand that I should be in a state of acceptance since the majority of us are all in the same boat and we have to grin and bear it, but it's kind of like grinning and bearing it when you're fucking prison for a crime you didn't commit.
I think, too, that people like bits and pieces of me and they take and use what they want and leave the rest. But perhaps I'm guilty of the same. I don't rightly know.
Over the past few days I've been really fucking lonely and sometimes I think I want to change my lifestyle and try for that domestic bliss again but the bloom is likely off the rose and in my splendid visions of what life might be like it's all tinged with love and excitement and newness when the reality is that, nine years in, it's hard to overcome past transgressions and we've been leading separate lives for some time now and, though we're painfully considerate, it is often evidenced in certain instances we will not compromise, and I also think that I've retreated into myself a lot because I don't really know where the boundaries are any more and what is considered normal or appropriate and how much I should hold out for and what I may be worth.
But mostly I try not to think about those things.
And sometimes I think it's probably best that I'm alone.
Pathetic attempt to gain some insight into my current state of ennui over.
7 comments:
You are still very young. Just do what I did and work towards getting the hell out of the rat race by 40.
Before that, if you can.
You and M seem to have a warm and loving relationship and maybe it's perfect conditions for you both.
Who knows. So hard to comment on anothers needs in lurv.
I've given my love nemesis a ultimation. Either we're two together, or we aren't.
I'm not doing Distance ever again.
I may be 'free' now, whatever the fuck that means, but I still feel chained to certain weaknesses; as witnessed during 3 week suicidal tenderloins.
Fack.
Wot a twat I was.
I was just swimming beyond the surf, where the sea is suddenly sapphire blue and clear, and I was like, 'You facking twat for pining and whining for 3 weeks. You even thought about drowning yourself. Uh duh.'
Basically, what I'm trying to say,is that, as humans, and cool ones at that, we are prone to some highs and lows, but t'is very important to see the former when going through the latter, even though sometimes that seems impossible.
Again, you are young, girl!
Save save save save.
You have friend who can offer you adventure eventually for next to nothing.
Just bring a knife sharpener cos I forgot to send mine.
(Not for killing myself. For culinary delights. I facking hate having blunt knives)
Fack there are heaps of mistakes in what I just wrote.
Midday glarrrrrs of wine.
The last of it.
From now, no more booze.
I am a fat fuck.
If you knew my fantasies...forget the fantasies,if you knew the "normal" thoughts that bounce around my skull. Scary scary stuff.
Take it from the elder... (gawd I never thought I be saying that) if you want a family you're not too old. Talk to him, be open with him, who knows it may be the same thing he wants out of life. If you want adventure, do that before you ever have kids... and don't plan on retiring until they are mid 20's. And again that may be the same thing he wants. I put my sense of adventure on hold to have the family, I don't regret it. Everything happens for a reason. We were meant to have this life. I still have that sense of adventure it's just been put on hold for a little while. It's more rewarding to have to work for the good life.
Thanks, OB. I am definitely using you as my model to be frugal and to get out of the rat race as soon as humanly possible.
And yes, I do have a lurving relationship but sometimes I fail to see the forest for the trees because I get wrapped up in my own gigantic ego.
And yeah, the distance thing would suck. I'm not sure about the ultimatum thing though. I've learned to judge people from their actions. If they want to be with you they will be with you without you have to ask or demand. It took me a long time to figure that out and I still grapple with it...
Whoa Jomamma!! Who said anything about kids? Oh... I used the word domestic. By domestic I meant that I was merely entertaining the thought of no longer living alone. I guess I should have used the term "cohabitation".
No kids. Not ever ever ever. Been there, done that, had my tubes tied.
Sorry, domestic to me, means a house with kids. I see what you mean. But you are being domestic, you just aren't doing it under the same roof. I would think it would be a huge adjustment to start living with someone, just like living without some one, after you have spent a large part of your life a certain way. I went from my parent's house to me and hubby's house... I don't know any other way. But a I doubt I'll ever do it again. I'll be domestic b/c I won't live in a cave, but I'll do it alone.
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