For a long time now I've wanted to see "Derailed" because I worship at the altar of Clive Owen.I am going to pause here and give a litany of things that I would like to do to Clive Owen and have him do to me. Actually, sometimes my mom reads this, so maybe I'll not. Bad, bad things. Oh god. Just goddamned debaucherous.
Anyways, I've been shying away from the movie because there's a rape scene in it and I just can't do rape scenes. I hate them. Hate hate hate. Just imply it. We don't need to see it. Everyone gets it. They're horrid and they just remind me of the time that Elizabeth Shue got raped in "Leaving Las Vegas" and I was watching it in a theatre and the guy behind me said (I swear to fucking god) "Well what did she expect?". Wow. I just went off on a huge tangent, deleted it and am trying to refocus.
Okay. Anyways. Here is a list as to why "Derailed" did not live up to my expectations by a long shot (again - don't read this unless you don't care about the movie being spoiled):
- Clive Owen and Jennifer Aniston do not sleep together. This is the predominate reason I did want to see the movie (you don't even get to see him shirtless).
- It's Jennifer Aniston, people. Jennifer Aniston cannot be raped in a mainstream movie (though it was coerced sex/quasi rape in "The Good Girl", but that movie was not really mainstream and it was really excellent). So right off the bat the fact that she is being "raped" is suspect.
- I hate all this "we can't go to the cops" shit. Go to the cops! It's just going to get worse if you don't and no, you can't handle the situation on your own and cops are people too and yeah you're going to have to tell your significant other that you fucked up but it's always, always better than the alternative.
- Are you really going to put the person that you were going to have an affair with before your family? Fuck no. You have no obligation to them and (see point 1): they didn't do the deed.
- Bad guys are ugly. The bad guy in this movie is almost as sweet as Mr. Owen himself, so he cannot possibly be a bad guy.
- Regular people can't shoot guns. A guy breaks into your house and somehow you have a handgun in your possession. You don't know how to shoot it! Yet Owen manages to plug some guy five times in the chest while sprawled on the floor. It would take me sixteen minutes just to discern if the safety was on and then, after I had been raped and beaten I would shoot and miss and the gun would fly out of my hands because of the recoil and then the bad guy (who would be ugly) would shoot me in the head and steal my monkey. I just fucking know it.
- The fact that I figured the plot out forty-one minutes into the move is a BAD SIGN. I never figure the plot out. In fact, sometimes I start discussing a movie with someone only to discover I missed the plot entirely.
I'm sure there's more that I can rail about (get it, get it? "Derailed"?) but it's snowing outside and I'm all kind of excited about that.
4 comments:
I agree with you on that 'don't go to the shops' crap.
I'm always like, 'Go to the bloody cops, you morons!'
p.s I didn't realise your mum read this blog. I really am going to curb my language from now on.
Ha! You don't have to curb you language. If anyone ought to it's me.
I think she just checks in on me from time to time to ensure I'm still leaving the apartment to associate with other humans, and eating.
First off, have you checked to see if your mom has a blog? We know what just checking leads to...
Second, that movie was disappointing to me to.
Third, come to Texas I'll teach you to shoot a gun... you'll be so good at it you wouldn't hesitate shooting someone. And you'd learn to wait until they are close enough that you can't miss. I would aim for the TOOL they were intend to use in their crime... That way he'll be conscious as he's laying there bleeding out. "Pressure point? What pressure point, she just blew it off!" I have two pistols small enough to fit in the pocket of your jeans and still can barely be seen! They are very cute but can still get the job done. You don't have to have a big bullet at close range.
BTW one of my favorite movies is Extremities... it's such a feel good movie.
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